My Testimony
Gospel Plus…
It was January 12, 2020 and I was sitting in church like I had over a thousand times before. Because, you see, I grew up in a Christian home, went to a Christian school, and did all the things a Christian was supposed to do.
There in lied my problem.
I believed in God and that Jesus died for me, but I had developed my own version of the gospel. A wrong version. That Jesus died for my sins AND that combined with my own efforts (AKA doing all of the “right” things a Christian was supposed to do) made me saved. Hear me loud and clear.
Any version of the gospel that tries to add Jesus plus something else is no gospel at all.
The gospel should be freeing, but instead, I was trapped. Trapped because I was never good enough. Trapped because no matter how hard I tried, I struggled with the same sin over and over again. Trapped because no amount of good works made my guilty conscience clean.
The Bible is very clear that the gospel plus anything is not the gospel. We cannot save ourselves, no matter how “good” we are and no matter how hard we try. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God, not by works, so that no one can boast.”
Back to the Story
That Sunday in January was just like any other Sunday. I looked forward to going to church so I could see my friends and hopefully feel better about myself afterwards. Why else would a hungover 20-somethin year old go to church? It was a seemingly good start to the week after a likely shame-filled weekend. I looked forward to learning about God’s word because it boosted my ego and helped my confidence that I was a Christian after all. I had no idea that Sunday that everything would change. That my eyes would finally open to the true gospel. The one that starts with the bad news before things get good. I refer back to my notes from the message that Sunday and the message went something like this:
To gain Christ is to gain everything. You might feel like you don’t have everything in Christ if…
1. You’re an immature Christian. Maybe you just started following Christ and you’re learning. Maybe you’ve been following Christ for years but you haven’t taken the step to deepen your faith. Either way, there is grace, but it’s important to take that next step to mature in your faith. (Hebrews 5:13-14)
2. You’re in sin. Yes, we all sin daily, but when we choose to live in our sin or are habitually carrying out the desires of the flesh, we will not believe that to have everything in Christ is gain. Instead, we are choosing to live in our old ways, as if we are still dead in our trespasses, and completely separated from God.
3. You’re not a Christian at all. Perhaps if you don’t see eye-to-eye with Paul as he writes to the Philippians, “But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.” (Philippians 3:7) then it is possible you don’t know the same Christ that Paul knows. You might be worshipping a false God, following a false gospel, completely lost and utterly helpless apart from Him who saves.
For the very first time in my life, I stopped and wondered, which one of these three describe me? Could all three be true for me? I’ve claimed to follow Jesus for a long time, but could it be possible that I’m not actually a born-again Christian? I went home unable to shake the feeling that something was not quite right. I truly did not believe “to have Christ is to have everything” which is why I continued to struggle with alcohol abuse and an unhealthy need for a romantic relationship after many unsuccessful attempts at trying to quit both.
I got home, and I called my friend Julia to tell her what I was wrestling with. I sat on the floor by my bed as I shakily asked her through the phone, “so how do I know if I’m a Christian?” desperately hoping she would reassure me that I was saved and had nothing to worry about. Deep down, I think the reason I called Julia wasn’t because she would tell me what I wanted to hear. I knew she would tell me what I needed to hear: THE TRUTH.
She affirmed that this was a good question to wrestle through and that although she couldn’t tell me for sure whether or not I was saved, if I was questioning it, it was a good idea to keep wrestling my way through it until I knew for sure. And so I did… for about a year.
One Step Forward, A Thousand Steps Back
My friend, if you are in a similar situation as I was, I beg you to take a huge step back and look at the whole picture. If God makes everything clear to you immediately, and you are confident in your salvation that very day - praise God! But if you are unsure of any foundational components of the gospel (i.e. is God even real?!) like I was, I encourage you to question your beliefs. It is worthwhile to take your time and consider the tough questions. Ask yourself:
How do I know if God is real?
Even if He is real, how do I know He is good?
Who is Jesus?
How can I trust the Bible?
Even if all of this is true, is it worth my life, my everything, to follow Him?
It’s also important to work through these questions in a safe, strong in their faith, community. I leaned really hard on my community during the year that I spent re-evaluating my faith and determining what I believe. I didn’t wrestle through these hard questions alone. I did it around the kitchen table with trusted friends and sitting on the couch with another. I text or called them when I had a question that felt like couldn’t wait. They prayed with me when we were together, and I’m certain they prayed over me even when we weren’t. They knew I was fighting hard to have a really clear understanding of the gospel and what it means to me, and they were in the fight with me. I wasn’t alone.
Maybe you’re thinking, “but Alacyn, I don’t have a community established yet that I can talk to about this.” Please get plugged in to your local church. Even if you are not a Christian or you’re asking tough questions, I pray that your church welcomes you all the more. I pray that they fight this battle with you. It requires vulnerability and humility. It may even require some initiation on your part. But I promise you, it will be worth it in the end.
How It Ends
I don’t know the exact day or time, but I know that late fall of 2020 I became a born-again believer. I repented and gave my life to Jesus, once and for all. There have been so many ups and downs since then and even moments where I’ve held doubt just like I did that Sunday when I began to question everything. But I am reassured by scripture that my salvation is secure, and that no matter where I go or what I do, no one can snatch me from My Father’s hand (John 10:29).
Spoiler alert: we all die. I know, I know. It sounds morbid. It sounds negative. You may even call me a pessimist. In reality? I am a realist. And you need to know that Christ died for you and there is nothing you can do to save yourself, except trust him as your Lord and Savior. If we all die in the end, isn’t it worth being 100% certain of your salvation?
If you are already a believer, praise God! I’m excited to have another sister in Christ follow me on this journey. I hope that you find my testimony encouraging. I would love to hear yours! Send me an email at alacyn@creatingchristiancommunity.com to share your story and title your message “Testimony” so I know to read it and respond.
If you are not a believer, I hope you know that there is so much hope for you too my friend. The first step is to pray to ask God to help you. And He will! He is faithful to meet you where you are, you don’t have to clean yourself to come to Him. He desires you just as you are, and He delights in answering our prayers.
And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will He hears us.
1 John 5:14
The second step is to ask for help from others. We need Christ-centered community to encourage us and point us to the one who saves us. I pray that you find a community that supports you and is able to answer your toughest questions. I’ve been where you are now, and I know it’s hard. SO hard. But keep fighting! Keep asking the hard questions! Keep pursuing Him! This fight is worthwhile; don’t give up. Your literal life and soul depend on it. And remember, we have a mighty Helper and divine Protector in this battle with us; you’re not fighting alone.
